Maybe you don't think of it as "snooping," but if you've investigated online about your blind date, rifled through a boyfriend's sock drawer, or peeked at his email after he accidentally left it open, you've officially snooped. The good news? You've got company: 83 percent of glamour.com readers copped to snooping. So right or wrong, since most of us are doing it, we wanted to share some ground rules for all you dating singles -- you know, to keep you out of trouble.
#1: DO consider just asking
Most guys don't volunteer details about their personal business so freely, but not necessarily because they have something to hide. "We think differently -- we don't want to know about your ex, so it doesn't occur to us that you'd want to hear about ours," says John, 27. If you're curious, ask.
#2: DON'T jump to conclusions
Monique, 33, learned this lesson the hard way. "My boyfriend's phone started ringing off the hook in the middle of the night," she says. "He said he didn't recognize the number, but I didn't believe him. So when he went to the bathroom, I called back the number, and it went straight to a woman named Alayna's voice mail. The next time the phone rang, I grabbed it from him, and with tons of 'tude demanded to know who it was. Turns out it was his cousin, whom we call Minty but whose real name is Alayna. She was calling because her car had broken down near us. Oops!"
#3: DO routine background checks before a first date
It's not a crime to do a quick Yahoo! search or Facebook review to find out about a new man. Stephanie, 35, met a cute guy at a party and gave him her number. Smart lady that she is, before returning the voice mail he left asking her out, she looked him up online and discovered he was more than 10 years her junior and an intern in the same industry. "I was horrified," she says, "but so happy I didn't waste an entire night out going out with him."
#4: DON'T think snooping is actually going to help you develop a meaningful relationship
It takes time and communication to build intimacy. You can't do it by reading his email. Plus, part of the fun of dating someone is discovering more about him through shared experiences. Melanie, 29, did a little cyberstalking and found out a bit too much. "He seemed like everything I wanted," she says. "The problem was that when we went out, I already knew everything he was trying to tell me about himself. What could have been fun felt like watching a rerun."
#5: DON'T cross the (legal) line
If you steal his Social Security number to figure out his financials or break into his apartment to find out if he's cheating, you are breaking more than his trust -- and you could end up in prison.
#6: DON'T tamper with the evidence
If you maybe, kinda, sorta checked his voice mail and discovered a message from his ex, do not, repeat, do not hit "delete." And if you stumble across a cute photo of him as a baby, don't pocket it.
#7: DO make sure you're ready to face what you find
Remember, Sherlock, there's a reason people say ignorance is bliss. Do you really want to know if his ex could be mistaken for Angelina Jolie? Or which celebrities he obsesses over? Megan, 32, began to have regrets after she opened up the Web browser on her guy's computer and found photos of the actresses from the TV series "Charmed." "I was shocked more than anything, because who has deep fantasies about 'Charmed?'" she says. There are some things you just don't need to know.
Friday, 12 June 2009
3 Keys to Meeting Single Women
Most men think there's a magic word they can say to get a woman to talk to them. While there is no such "magic word," there are three keys to communicating with a woman that work every single time.
This is not earth-shattering stuff. What I'm about to suggest to you is a simple approach that has worked every single time I or one of my students have used it.
Here are the three simple steps to communicating with a woman:
Step 1: Observe What She Is Doing. Take the example of a woman standing behind you in line at the supermarket unloading her groceries. What is she putting on the conveyor belt? If she's behind you in line at Starbucks, what is she ordering? What is she eating?
Notice everything she's doing. Let the environment give you something to say. Most guys think of something to say that's so random it makes absolutely no sense in a woman's mind. Women actually make fun of these guys and say, "You won't believe what he actually came over and said to me."
Step 2: Act on the Observation. In order to properly act upon the observation, you need to open her up and evoke a feeling. For instance, if a woman is ordering a double espresso, the thing to talk about is usually the first thing that comes to your mind.
A typical guy might say, "Do you like coffee?" which leads to a yes or no answer. A man who is 100 percent present will look at her and say, "Rough night last night?" or "Busy day ahead?" What you're trying to do is stay inside her head and remain in her current thought process.
It's much easier to have a conversation based upon things she's already experiencing. A woman will share something that's already going on in her head.
Another example: you're standing at a bar and see a woman ferociously texting someone while standing there by herself. You can walk over and make an assumption like "Is your friend late?" This will in turn open up a conversation based upon feelings and emotions.
Step 3: Listen to What She Has to Say. In order to have good conversation and bond with a woman, you need to listen to what she says. If you listen to her, you will know what to say next. It's called a conversation for a reason.
A lot of men always think about what to say next, or they have a script in their head about what to say next. That's not a conversation -- that's a bad screenplay.
For example, I was standing with a couple of clients on a corner in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. There was a woman standing there by herself with a suitcase, obviously waiting for someone to pick her up for a weekend getaway. So what did these two guys do? They observed and they asked her:
Immediately one of them says, "New Jersey? I'm from Tampa."
That's not a conversation. That is a guy changing the subject to talk about himself. He doesn't care about her right off the bat. The correct thing to say in this situation is this:
Now, in turn, the two guys can keep her present in her head about the weekend and ask her about her trip.
If they listen and stop thinking about how to amuse her by telling her they're from Tampa, they'll actually connect with her and have a conversation about the shore, vacations -- and who knows where the conversation might go.
Men complicate things for no reason. There are no magic lines that you can say, but in reality if men just talked to women like they talk to their closest friends, they would have amazing conversations. Men just need to relax and listen to what women are saying.
Do this and you're going to have great conversations. It's that simple! Get out of the house, observe, react and listen!
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